Unconventional Thoughts on Five Years of Marriage

Seeing as last month we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary and I didn’t get all mushy on you like I did last year, I didn’t think it was appropriate that I followed up with another mushy post. You’re welcome. However, my husband got all mushy on me and planned a surprise anniversary trip to Puerto Rico. We went to Italy for our honeymoon (pictures here, here, here and here) and while it was an amazing adventure, it was stressful. We saw most of Italy in 18 days. Nonstop. He and I both agreed a little more R + R was what we wanted on this trip.

As I sipped slurped my 15th Mojito while swinging on a hammock like a vagabond, I mused to myself that I’ve never actually written a post on marriage. It’s not a coincidence. B insists on having privacy whereas I bare my soul to any and every passerby who’s willing to listen. See the problem?

It’s compounded when you have a blog and life is perfect writing material. (Where do you think writers of awesome shows get their material from?) I wanna overshare; he does not. And that’s one of the many things you learn about marriage (and long-term relationships). Without compromise it just doesn’t work.

The first few months of marriage are cute and fun and exciting. For me, it was also accompanied by “Wow. I’m allowed to live with a boy.” You may laugh, but I was brought up by extremely socially conservative parents. How I turned out to be such a social liberal should be of no surprise. But, back to marriage.

Folks, it’s not all roses and rosé. (I may or may not have borrowed that from Lisa Vanderpump). You don’t just wake up one day and realize it’s been 5 years since you exchanged vows. It’s hard work. You have to make the conscious decision to stay with your partner. Let me repeat that: you have to make the conscious decision to stay with your partner. Even when it sounds much easier to just throw in the towel.

Five years is enough for your ring finger to develop a permanent indentation under that wedding band. Five years is also enough to predict how the other person wakes up. Whether it’s thrashing in their sleep right before they wake up, or yawning so harshly that their uvula flutters louder than a jetplane…you know it’s coming and can even count down the seconds before it happens. (Sorry, B.) I have my most vivid dreams right before I wake up. I’m told they’re always of me fighting with my mother. In Spanish. (Sorry, B.)

All jokes aside, when I was thinking about how I’d commemorate our fifth anniversary I knew that I would not be writing a marriage advice post. A few months ago, Rachel wrote a really funny post on so called “marriage advice” that still has me giggling from time to time. Like Rachel, I don’t like reading marriage advice posts. They sound pretentious to me. What works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another couple.

Our five years of marriage have taught us a lot. We’ve learned about what makes the other person tick. We’ve learned about each other’s love language. Mostly, we’ve learned about ourselves. I would be lying if I said we don’t work on our marriage. I would also be lying if we haven’t felt like throwing in the towel once or twice. I’ll be honest, B is the bigger person when it comes to admitting when he’s wrong. I will stubbornly hold onto my grudge/pride like a kid who fake-sobs for 45 minutes just to piss off their parents, not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.

What have I personally learned in my five years as a married woman? In a nutshell, Put your spouse first: before family, before friends.  And definitely don’t follow bad marital advice.

What have you learned over the course of your relationship?